So when I flew up to Vancity I had a couple of particularly boxy Christmas gifts in my bag, but when I fly down again to L-dot, I plan to have books filling up that space.
And not books on film, no. All you well-meaning people who gift me with heavy books on movies, thank you, god bless you, but the last thing I want to turn my attention to these days are books about movies. Blah blah blah movies. I want novels. I only watch movies to get things you can't put down in print (except in novels, stories, poems) anyway. I actually think we all do. And books called "Film School... In A Book!", well. Novelty, yes. But, not to get all braggy, I'm too busy taking classes from, uh, Oscar-winners to read that stuff right now. But the thought, is, yes, appreciated.
Also, I'm starting to think that my Big Plan of making myself Extremely Busy during the spring by taking Twelve Credits and working Two Jobs may actually be really stupid. It's true that being busy in L.A. equals being happy for me, but now that I think of it, being insane in L.A. equals behing unhappy for me.
Les holidays were fantastic. So many babies around.
My smaller small cousin has turned from a three-year-old boy who refused to speak and instead made rrnnnnnnnghhh sounds like Frankenstein and shoved people a lot into a six-and-a-half-year-old-boy that brings Christmas presents and spontaneously hugs and says "I love you" a lot. My less small small cousin is now eleven and reads more and is less shy now. I gave her a fantastic book a couple years ago called "The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle" about a girl who joins a band of pirates. Her teacher said it ws inappropriate to read in class. Her teacher is crazy.
I got a nice watch for Christmas. And the most incredible t-shirt ever. And a tea cosy.
I just had dinner with high school friends and no one could finish a story because everyone kept interrupting. We know each other too well to be formal, but not at all anymore because you never hear a complete tale. And I think to some degree we all kind of hate each other. The way you hate people who have witnessed you in all your ugly ducklingness and you them but you don't really talk about it. Weird. Though not unpleasant per se. I think we all still get together out of old loyalty, nostalgia, and curiosity.
It's rainy and the clouds make shapes.
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3 comments:
Hmm, hate is a powerful word.
I DO aknowledge the ugly duckliness...in fact I think t'is a huge reason I'm back on the shore...time to deal with it, and great now that I've got a few more tricks up my sleeve.
thing is- I'm not out to prove to anyone I'm not that ugly duckling. That was me. Just to honour that was a part of my process...
...AND that oy vay, I'm not interested in any linear trip of shifting into Swan-dom. Nah, hook me up as a frog, turned into prince, then maybe a turtle for a while, slow and steady winning the race, then maybe a Tigger for a bit...
love you Robyn. Always, no matter where you are on your journey. We chose to crash into each other's stories...even if we do only get tidbits these days!
Yeah, I have to apologise for leaving that sentence in. I actually took it out later after thinking about but posted it wrong.
I don't think we hate each other, exactly. I think that there is a certain discomfort that I have with old friends from high school because we are re-enacting a friendship that we have now grown out of, but the friendship itself hasn't matured. And that somehow brings too much of older versions of oneself back to haunt. And I'm not unhappy with who I used to be, but I am unhappy when I feel myself being who I used to be (ie- unhappy, for many silly reasons). So it's not so much other people that I hate in that situation, it's myself.
That's not to say some friendships haven't matured. I'd say our friendship has matured, and I get pleasure from that.
And glad to hear that you are still on the road with everything. And glad that this part of the road has you back on the shore.
Hey super, when I logged on here again I thought my post hadn't gone on as it says 0 comments. But then I went to post a comment again, and I found a hidden comment spot...wow, all these windy trails as I explore! In fact, it was exploring on google that I found your blog site.
Story?
I googled Loren's name (yikes, yes, I admit!) after the hockey game. Wow, you should see what he did at Mount A...and a writer now too. Anyway, I'd had a bit of a Trajan reminiscence when we'd stopped at the Broadway skytrain station, so I googled him. And the first google-find was Sarah Lebo's blog following his death. Clicked onto that, which led me with the word "Here" to...well....here!
Must go, but I wanted to touch on your unhappiness comment. For me, facing past unhappiness and uncertainties is the theme of the last few months, and the ones to come I'm feeling too. Strange perhaps, but I've decided I need to sit with them. I think I was aware of them before, and tried to fight them/push them down/kind of cover them up. The "pretending"..."faking it". And I'm okay with that, I have a feeling I wasn't ready emotionally to deal with the "detoxification", if you will...until now.
But now I'm getting a clearer picture of what "real" should feel like, and I know that there are certain areas in my life in which I need to take some risks and get "real". Ironically, its the power of imagination to face my fears that has brought me to here. And yes, I'm not fighting them, but rather accepting them, sitting with them, and in the acknowledgement/understanding of their roots/past etc....having a more "real" ability to let them go.
note, however, that's where the imagination comes in, because right now i'm smack in the midst of a ton of them, and it ain't easy--bleuhhh!!
Well, really do have to go now, but looking forward to a response amidst your busy schedule...and yikes, I teach Canadian History starting Monday, so I better get prepping!
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